Archive for August 22nd, 2013

Dearest husband of mine,

I am a hypocrite.

You have wanted to use family resources for work for years.  Whether it was time, or camera lenses, or incentives for people to come to your room for training, I grumbled that you were allowing the family to suffer without you while you donated time and resources to your job.  I have since spent several unpaid hours working, used your camera to take pictures that I used in 4 presentations and my webpage, and have spent money out of pocket to enhance my room and (often impatiently) create things to use in my office.  I have unabashedly used you as an accomplice as you have willingly created materials for me to use as teaching aids.

While I may be able to conjure up some reasons why it’s different and totally acceptable for me, I must concede that it is a double standard.  How do you ever put up with me?  I’m sorry that I have been a miser of both time and money, but I will afford you the grace that I have liberally and selfishly given myself.  <3

Last week, I asked my nearly 4 year old daughter what she wanted to be be when she grew up.  She said, “I don’t know, Mama.  What do YOU want to be when YOU grow up?”  I answered, “If I ever really grow up, I’ll probably still be a math teacher.”
Much has changed. For the first time ever, I have a full-time job.  I’m the coordinator of hands-on learning in the math department.  That’s a fancy way of saying that I use toys to teach math.  I have messes of toys with a thousand pieces to clean up and stuff to organize.  When I don’t have what I need, I make it.  I’ve spent a lot of time in the craft sections of various stores.  Truly, it’s really very much like being a mommy of littles.
I went to Starbucks this morning and used my laptop until I felt ready for my day.  Then, I stopped at Target for yet more craft supplies to use in my office/lab.  (The Target is across the street from the college where I teach a different level of math at night.)  I realized that I sorta kinda became who I wanted to be when I grew up.  I wanted to have an office where I felt that I was doing something uplifting for people during the day and I would split the evening between the gym and volunteer work. I wanted to be educated.  I wanted to surround myself with interesting people. I wanted to travel.  The vision of myself, of course, didn’t include a husband or children or an occupation in education.  I help people (in my office/lab) conquer a fear of mathematics.  I am appropriately degreed.  I spend my evenings teaching college algebra and caring for my household.  I don’t leave work and go directly to the gym, but I can work out in my neighborhood after bedtime.  Yes, many days, the workout’s warmup is taking each child on a walk individually and hearing about their adventures.  I don’t focus on a social life, but my wonderful children keep me from ever lacking for good company.  I don’t travel, but I land securely in my husband’s arms daily.
The picture in my teenage head of who I would become looks a little different, but I am so blessed to have grown up (sorta kinda) to be a very happy and satisfactory version of myself.