I’ve had an unbiblical philosophy for many, many years.

I will never really be good at anything.  I get that.  I’ve been aware of this my whole life.  My reasoning for choosing to sit on my, um, Blessed Assurance was unbiblical.  I would much prefer to serve in areas where I won’t be seen.  That was code.  Did you catch that?  This is to say that I prefer to serve in areas where, when I screw it up, nobody cares.

For two decades, I have grown very tired of people telling me that my areas of service are insufficient for my personality.  I met all of the “you should…”s with “No, the Lord has not equipped me.”  Then, I have heard the rebuttal, “Oh, being fully equipped comes with time.”  I am nearly 30.  For all of my experiences within the last two decades, I can say, “Bull.  It does not come with time.  Age comes with time, but ability is still lacking.”  “Pray for ability.”  He doesn’t choose to provide it.  Now, God gives out wisdom freely (James 1:5), but not necessarily ability.  He doesn’t have to.

My response to this repeated conversation has been unbiblical.  I said, “If He wants me to do (x, y, and z), then HE needs to provide me with the capability.”  Not biblical.

From Exodus 4,

10 Then Moses said to the LORD, “Please, Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither recently nor in time past, nor since You have spoken to Your servant; for I am slow of speech and slow of tongue.” 11 The LORD said to him, “Who has made man’s mouth? Or who makes him mute or deaf, or seeing or blind? Is it not I, the LORD? 12 Now then go, and I, even I, will be with your mouth, and teach you what you are to say.”13 But he said, “Please, Lord, now send the message by whomever You will.”

It is not my place to wait until capability is divinely granted.  It is not my place to “bloom where I am planted.”  It is my job to tell the Planter that I will let Him pick where I’m planted and it’s okay with me if I never, ever, ever bloom, but am withered and trodden underfoot.  It’s my job to be whatever cracked, old, crummy, asymmetrical vessel and let Him do the using.

When I don’t have any abilities or strengths to submit to Him, I will still submit my will to Him.  The philosophy that I need to correct is that “Here am I, Lord.  Send me.” is not just for the capable; it’s for the willing.

I’ve been saying, “Here am I, but would you please mobilize someone else…someone who is capable of representing You well.”  Fine.  I will NEVER be capable of representing a Holy God.  Never.  Not my problem.  He already knew that I was broken.  If my brokenness doesn’t keep Him from calling, it shouldn’t keep me from being willing.